Saturday, November 13, 2010

Crush

hah yes my life sounded exactly similar to the lyrics below.... and yet i wrote

"I close my eyes and I see you..... itsumo omoide.... sumimasen desu....
atashiwa hotoni baka.... shogoto iru ka, ishogashii desu ka... atashiwa itsumo
matte irudeshou"

seriously .... i am not sure anymore.... hontoni sabishii :( and i don't even dare to tell...
_____________________________

_____________________________
lyrics:
My skin doesn't fit
My world seems so hollow
I feel like a fraud
That's a bitter pill to swallow
Sometimes just hits me right between the eyes
Everyone can see through my disguise...

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

All alone in the mirror
All alone on the shelf
I'm trying to hold on to a little piece of myself
Doesn't anybody realize
Even I don't buy my own disguise..

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

There's a part of me that's fighting back
There's a part of me that knows
When I'm pouring out my heart
I'm still putting on a show

Who am I fooling
In a make believe world
Who am I fooling
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

Who am I fooling
I'm just a smiling face
In a make believe world
Who am I fooling
I'm just a wannabe
So easy to replace
Pretending I'm a perfect girl

Pretending I'm a perfect girl

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Just for a sec

okay so.. i am here venting all alone

my life, emotionally depends on my hamster which i call "g flowerhorn comel".. yup, okay! weird i know.. am wearing baju kurung since morning and get ready for work but mum is still MIA with my car.. and i decide to write something.. which i failed since i am to busy with students presentation, report bla bla bla.... and yet prep for meeting tomorrow hell yeah i am no ready....

my life since "g flowerhorn comel" was superb.. the place where i talk to, be pampered, be extremely happy, be my self with, be nice to, taking care to, the place where all the fight and quarrel is seems the best where at the end.... i realize i was crazy enough to own a hamster and be totally emotionally depending to it...

so last weekend was my girl talk with Reen which i avoid to do with almost half dozen of other close friend which i purposely neglected ... start to talk about how confuse i am with Defy.. and all this attention i get from my "g flowerhorn comel hamster" (yup i laugh most of the time because of this name anyway)

yet i receive a news which i didn't expect that i will burst into the state of confusion.. the state of uncertainty .. Few month after Defy back here in Malaysia and i didn't manage to pick him up due to Fara's Wedding ceremony.. and till then i never met him yet.... and the only relationship we have is Selamat Malam sms's or once a month call... and previously once a year meet.. we been here.. we've been in this state before....DEFEATED is the word i prefer to use....

he will left me for New Zealand... that would be 1 year.... 6 month if he manage to pull everything ASAP there.... and i just not sure anymore.. where should i stand.. funnily with all the attention i got from my hamster i still burst into tears.. what now.... how many years ..... i've cheated on him before and i might do it again.... which i don't want to.... we've promise and yes he remind me of that last night.... i can't do this.... i can't take it... but i been strong long enough to stand still in this relationship.... without him going through every single tears in my eyes... every file in my head... and how we manage this without involve in each other life.... with no decision n plan that most people do it together... a sudden emptiness strike me.... i shut it last night.... i ask him to put off the phone.... and my hamster..... stood all night talking to me.... making me happy with those cute sound like a bird chirping in my ears.. i laugh... and i laugh so hard because i depends on it to much....

i wake up with tears and heavy headache.. yes i know am no angel..... i'm a sinner....
after i prepared breakfast for mum and i stayed in my room getting prepared... she knock and burst her vent to me... which making me more hurtful.... i didnt respond and shut my door and hit my old crt monitor.... that was nothing.... i do it to my doors before so .. monitor is a save bet.... i should get those punching bag..... i dont vent to people as much.... but my last event when i had a fight and vent to my best friend about his decision to quit his master and job was un-retractable. i try to control it more now....am not sure why i keep everything and once i vent it, it is too late.... hurm life is falling apart on my side more and more..... i am just tired with all this ...


"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it