Friday, May 14, 2010

a year has passed

Walid ,
A year has passed. This exact date you passed away last year...

I have a lot of regret. I try my best for Ibu but that doesn’t help me going through with my regret. How much I lie to myself to keep moving on… it just won’t change any of this feeling. I try not to cry each time with ibu. I refuse to be at the graveyard with ibu. I go alone and sometimes the breeze I felt at the graveyard soothes me. I try to stop saying I am sorry to you and I try to stop remembering the last few months … but how I Fail Walid….. I failed to be what you hope for.
I failed to be strong when I am alone in the dark. I failed to support you and ibu. I failed to show you another success story. I failed to be with you but i know i can if I did force myself to. My mistake, my regret and everything that I use to share with you becoming harder and bigger but I can’t talk about it with anyone else….
The look on your face, the suggestion you share, the shoulder to solace, the place I hang on to was you. Walid I regret I didn’t put that much afford to show you my love towards you… I regret after you left us I still make a lot of mistake in my life… for my life and future….
I promise you to look after ibu as you wish on your letter for me and abang-abang. I will try harder… and I put a lot of hope and trust on Allah to keep me here. To be wiser, to be stronger. A year has passed…. Our last dinner and lunch keep appearing on my dreams….

There is no Man I miss and love as much as I do you.

I Love you Walid…. Al-Fatehah

p.s I do hope I can find the one for me … who love me as you do…. Who teaches me and always there for me….

This lighter belongs to my dad... i keep it almost a year.... i gave it up to my 2nd brother yesterday... i find it hard to let it go since i carry it along all the time..... another lost i must say? but i had to.... i must not keep everything to myself.....

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